[Warning: Potentially Triggering Content]
Anna Marie Tendler is opening up like she never has before.
The 39-year-old artist got super candid about some dark moments in her life in her upcoming memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy, including the time she voluntarily checked herself into a mental health facility following her difficult breakup with ex-husband John Mulaney.
Warning! Her story is incredibly heartbreaking. In an excerpt published on Tuesday by Elle, Anna Marie described the first few harrowing moments when she stepped foot in the hospital. She began:
“First, they take my suitcase away from me. This is so they can search my clothes for drugs and weapons. Who are ‘they’? They are hospital staff, a specific check-in team that I never see again during my time here. They are warm, but not too warm, hardened from years of dealing with bulls–t from patients who check in against their will, who are angry to be here, and who take their anger out on the first line of duty.”
Related: John Mulaney’s Ex Doesn’t Mention Him ONCE In New Memoir!
However, Anna Marie noted the employees “quickly accommodate their approach” based on how each patient approaches them:
“If you are difficult and have an attitude, like the young redhead checking in next to me, they will be short and direct. If you, like me, have chosen to be here, are relieved, even happy to be here, they will speak to you in soft voices, ask you if you’re comfortable, and offer you snacks. I only accept a paper cup of water.”
From there, the author sat in a room by herself until a “friendly nurse in her mid-fifties” came to get her and bring her to an exam room. When asked what brought her to the facility, Anna Marie said she tried to hold back tears as she replied:
“‘Intense suicidal ideation, self-harm, disordered eating.’”
According to the photographer, the nurse went on to assess her for suicide risk. She remembered her asking if she “thought about taking [her] life in the past 48 hours,” if she had “the means to carry out this plan,” and if she was experiencing “feelings of worthlessness.” To which, Anna Marie sadly responded “yes” to all three questions. The nurse then asked her:
“On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the greatest, how great is your desire to die?”
Tendler’s answer? An “Eleven.”
Oh no.
She explained she entered the mental health facility “on the recommendation” of her therapist, who “was at a loss for what to do with me.” Initially, Anna Marie arranged to go to a womens-only house because she “absolutely” refused “to be around men.” But her therapist warned her medical team would be “mostly men” with only “one female social worker” — even though she is at a facility for women. Despite hating the thought of having male staff members, she decided to give the place a try still.
Upon entering the mental health story, she had a male psychologist. Within the first 10 minutes of their talk together, he had Anna Marie opening up about her sexual experiences with older men when she was underage. She insisted her encounters were “consensual,” saying:
“No matter how weird I feel about them now, they were, at the time, consensual.”
Anna Marie also shared with the doctor that she once wrote a suicide note but didn’t plan on taking her own life. Instead, she wanted to “relieve my pain” and self-harm. As she stated in the book:
“I wanted to die, but I cut myself instead, and that cutting wasn’t meant to kill me.”
Oof. Recalling the contents of the note, Anna Marie said it was “filled with venom and rage”:
“It was largely about how no one around me seemed to be paying attention to my mental and physical decline. There was one particularly mortifying part about wearing a very sexy dress to a party and receiving no compliments about how hot I looked. The note was filled with venom and rage. I was so blinded by anger, I was ready to end it all over something as trivial as a leopard-print Norma Kamali dress. Underneath the vanity was a deep depression, a seemingly bottomless chasm of worthlessness and anxiety. I was a woman losing her grip on a life I was holding so tightly to.”
Ultimately, she was embarrassed by the note and got rid of it the next day:
“Consumed by embarrassment at the note’s contents, I ripped it into tiny pieces the following day and scattered it into various garbage cans inside my New York City apartment.”
So, so sad…
After her conversation with the psychologist, Anna Marie got a snack, settling on a bag of Doritos and Swiss Miss Milk Chocolate with Marshmallow hot cocoa mix for later. Before then, though, she hadn’t eaten a lot in months:
“I have not eaten much in the past seven months, but in truth, I do not like not eating. I feel like s**t all the time — tired, weak, nauseous from my stomach trying to eat itself. I know it’s doing nothing to help my mental health, but I find comfort in how bad not eating has made me look.”
After grabbing her snacks, the nurse came back to take her vitals. During the process, she questioned whether Anna Marie had a “hope or a goal in mind” while at the facility. The writer replied:
“My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.”
Wow, Anna Marie went through so much for a while there. We applaud her for getting so vulnerable with her readers. You can read the entire excerpt HERE.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, help is available. Consider contacting the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, by calling, texting, or chatting, or go to 988lifeline.org.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, there is help available. Consider visiting https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ or call their hotline at (800)-931-2237 for resources.
For resources on mental health, visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help.
[Image via Joseph Marzullo/WENN]
